When Resentment Turns Your Partner Into the Enemy
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In this episode of Awf The Record, Jeannette Reyes and Mona Kosar Abdi sit down with therapist and instant New York Times bestselling author Kier Gaines for a raw, honest conversation about vulnerability, masculinity, relationships, and the ways social media is quietly reshaping how we love.
Kier breaks down why men, especially Black men, often struggle to open up, why women are exhausted by the emotional load, and how online comparison, gender scripts, and fear of being played can make connection feel harder than it needs to be. From contempt and tone to emotional maturity, self-healing, and what it really means to do the work, this conversation is a needed reset for anyone trying to build healthier relationships without losing themselves in the noise.
KEY POINTS
00:00 - Introduction: Social media is reshaping love, vulnerability, and conflict
01:35 - Kier reflects on becoming an instant New York Times bestselling author
03:19 - Kier explains why his work blends clinical expertise with real humanity
05:42 - The pressure on Black men to be impenetrable, useful, and unaffected
12:02 - Men are not women’s job to fix, but relationships need more emotional presence
16:09 - Therapy language and how it can also shrink emotional tolerance
17:58 - Social media comparison can quietly damage relationships
24:22 - Kier unpacks women’s emotional load, tone, contempt, and the work of repair
37:25 - What to look for in dating: accountability, listening, kindness, & emotional maturity
42:20 - Vulnerability requires mutual trust, safety, and time
QUOTES
“We can't run from the fact that men don't feel like we have intrinsic value.” – Kier Gaines
“Shame, blame, and guilt-they steal all of your awareness.” – Kier Gaines
“The thing about contempt is it's not just the feeling; it's the narrative attached to it.” – Kier Gaines
GUEST RESOURCES:
Kier Gaines
IG | @kiergaines
It All Starts When You Do: A Therapist's Guide to Overcoming Self-Sabotaging and Work Towards Healing
RESOURCES:
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Mona Kosar Abdi
IG | @monakabdi
Jeannette Reyes
IG | @msnewslady
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